CONFLICT CAUSES IN OUR MARRIAGE & HOW WE AVOID THEM

Having just got married almost 6 months ago people are always asking us, 'how's married life going?' To which we always respond 'It's great, we love it!' Marriage for us so far has been wonderful. I wouldn't say that it is necessarily more difficult (for us) than being engaged was, because in many ways it is actually much more practical. Having going from living in two different locations whilst sharing a car, having completely opposite work schedules and always having to be conscious of being in each others houses where housemates are around and mightn't love having the other one of us over 24/7, we no longer face these particular struggles. Yet there are still causes of conflict within our marriage and without addressing or even acknowledging these, we can kind of begin to simply 'co-exist' rather than enjoying the fullness of what marriage has to offer.

By no means am I calling myself an expert, I haven't even been married a year! I just wanted to give you an insight into some conflict causes within relationships and why it's important that you don't go about your relationship ignoring them when you know they are present.

1. Carrying the Attitude of Serving Yourself instead of Serving your Spouse

I think this is where everything really starts to go down hill. As marriage is about serving your spouse and them serving you, the moment this begins to get twisted, conflict begins to arise. When you consider house work for example, no one wants to do it yet it is a part of life and we have to get it done. If you start to measure up how many tasks you are each completing thinking you are doing a little more than the other, you begin to develop a grudge and negative feelings towards them (which usually comes up to side you argument in a fight later on). Sometimes I can find myself washing dishes thinking 'why am I the one doing these, I cooked dinner?' It becomes all about me, my needs and what I do and don't want to do. Instead I try to tell myself 'Jacob has a long night shift approaching and hence dishes were not the only thing on his mind. How about I just complete them to serve him.' Obviously sharing the load is important and I'm not neglecting that, I'm simply highlighting the fact that we need to complete these chores with the other in mind as if we are doing them to serve our spouse. It's important that we both carry this attitude so that it is equally balanced. This means you are not missing out for serving your spouse because they in return are doing things to serve you.

2. Lack of Communication

Jacob and I both have different ways of communicating. I don't have trouble acknowledging what I'm feeling and what I think about a particular situation, hence I can talk about it relatively easily. However Jacob takes more time to process and gather his thoughts on situations. Because of this and other barriers to our communication, a lack of communication tends to be the result. This could mean we aren't telling each other how we are individually going, how the other person is making us feel or how we feel our relationship is going. The result of this is conflict. A build up of issues and problems in my mind tends to result in me suddenly lashing out over what seems like a minor issue to Jacob yet is the trigger of multiple issues for me that I haven't yet communicated.

The easiest way to prevent this from happening would be to communicate about everything. When something happens that causes you or your spouse frustration/pain, talk about it then and there or schedule in a time to talk about it, allowing the other person to gather their thoughts on the issue in advance. This is definitely something we are working on and probably always will be!

3. Lack of Quality Time

Quality time like many of the other love languages is so important to Jacob and I. When we aren't having quality time together than the time we are spending together is simply task/responsibility focused (not fun). This leads us to 'co-existing' rather than enjoying each others presence. Having fun together, relaxing, talking and adventuring allows us to connect, feel loved (and feel love towards the other) and appreciate what we like about the other person. It is crucial no matter what the weekly schedule may look- a healthy marriage must always be a top priority!

4. Tiredness aka Grumpy

Okay, this is huge for us. Sometimes we can find ourselves in the most ridiculous of arguments to the point where I laugh to myself about it later because there was no need for the most minor of issues to cause such a discrepancy between us. Yet it is a real place and has happened on multiple occasions. When one of us has worked too much, hasn't had enough sleep or has just had a long day, we become extremely irritable. And although you can't always avoid this as it is sometimes out of your control, there is definitely an element of control. Perhaps you have to assess whether you are working too much, or have too many things to be committed to. As Jacob works into the late hours of the night/early morning, we are often asking the question 'Is taking this extra shift worth it? Will Jacob be too tired to complete the next days tasks and enjoy the day/my presence?'

5. Lack of God time/ Devotions

Spending time with God grounds us. It reminds us of who we are, who's we belong to and who we are called to be. It opens up a conversation with the Holy Spirit where he can reveal to us what our blind spots are and how we can serve the other person better. A lack of time spent with God leads to us leaning on our own understanding and not keeping God at the center. I'm definitely not claiming to be perfect at this, instead it is a work in progress!

I hope you have been able to find this post helpful and insightful.

If you have any related or unrelated questions, please don't hesitate to ask!