SELF LOVE VS SELF HATE: At War With Myself

As I've been highlighting in previous posts in this series, in a world full of comparison and ideals on what you should look like, it can become hard to be content with where you are at. It's easy to find flaws within your external appearance, some of which you have no control over changing and others that you do. Either way it can lead to a devastating downward spiral of self hate and self defeat. But in the midst of the comparison, the pain and the striving for change, there is hope. Perhaps you've found yourself in a place where you feel as though you can't love yourself for where you are at. You've created unhealthy habits and patterns that you can't seem to take control over. Well, let me share with you my story.

My Story

From a very young age I felt uncomfortable with the way I looked. I wasn't skinny enough and I couldn't help but feel ashamed of myself. The truth is, I wasn't unhealthy or inactive. I was small and petite but not small and thin as I wanted to be. Lacking knowledge in what would actually help me to loose weight, I thought some sit ups and crunches would fix me. But they didn't, and little did I know the mental battle I was entering into. Years passed by and I still remained uncomfortable with myself. What started as an innocence of wanting to be active and eat healthy turned into a downward spiral of deprivation. And the irony is, in the pursuit of trying to reach my goals, I ended up further away from them.

I developed bad habits. When I felt as though I had made a mistake in my achieving my goals of 'eating clean', I would punish myself by eating every ‘bad‘ thing I could find in the cupboard- to the point where I could eat no more. It became an on going cycle for years and I honestly thought I'd never come out of it. I'd then go without until the point where I made a mistake and would binge eat my way through it again. I couldn't dare share it with anyone because I felt nothing but shame. I didn't realise just how damaging of a place this was to be in and I began to think I'd live like this forever. Live in a state of feeling guilty when I ate, of not enjoying what I ate and feeling like food was a constant enemy. I felt as though I had no self control and I was hopeless for not being able to reach my goals. A combination of lack in education of health, unrealistic goals and unhealthy patterns led to the place I was in. And every time I thought I was improving, I'd relapse back into my old habits.

So, how did I get to the place I am today? How did I get out of the unhealthy cycle I found myself in? A cycle that seemed impossible to break? Let me tell you...

Firstly, you have to understand my journey to self love again did not happen overnight. Nor did it happen in one or two months. It took several months of steps forward and steps backward, of relapses into old habits and old patterns of thinking. But I got there. And so will you.

My Self Hate Needed to Change (Self Love Changed My Story)

I constantly told myself I needed to look a certain way because I hated the way I currently looked. Hate for myself became my motivation. The damage in having this as my source of motivation was that if I made a mistake or took a step backwards, I only felt more hatred towards myself. It took me deeper into the downward spiral and further away from my goals then I was originally.

Whether it be your health you want to work on or perhaps your personality such as anger tendencies, being more organised, completing tasks on time or other addictions, it needs to come from a place of love. A place where you acknowledge your health is better because of it and this is your priority- having a healthy body, mind soul and emotions. You need to accept the place you are in, acknowledging you are not perfect and have things to work on and understand it's going to be a process of making progress, mistakes and more progress.

It wasn't until I was able to stop striving, relax and accept the place I was in that I was able to improve. I started to tell myself (despite how difficult it was), that I didn't hate my body and I actually loved it. I reminded myself that this body of mine is incredible and capable of many things which is exactly why I needed to look after it. I changed my mindset from 'I hate my body, it needs to change and I need to eat healthy' to 'I love my body and this is why I want to eat healthy'.

I Couldn't Do it Alone (Accountability Changed EVERYTHING)

As difficult as it is to share something so personal, it is essential to gaining freedom. As soon as you tell someone else, you now have them beside you doing the journey with you. Having someone check up on you and keep you accountable to achieving your goals really is a game changer. When Jacob came into my life and I was able to share with him the struggles I had in the past and was still having, I really began to see change. He spoke life into me whilst also holding me accountable to my goals. Although at times I hated him for this (I would legitimately be mad for it felt like he controlled my decisions and not me), I wouldn't be where I am today without him. And for that I am so grateful!

Who do you know that you can trust enough to let into your world? Give them permission to regularly check up on how you are going and keep you accountable to moving forward. Or, who do you know that you can be that accountability partner for? Has someone shared something personal with you that you haven't followed up on? Being a listening ear, a voice of reason and a person of encouragement can go a long way.

Understand God's Grace, Love and Strength (Your Identity is in Him)

The more you begin to understand who God is, the more you will understand who you are. Sometimes we can feel as though God is this authoritative character looking down on us ready to condemn us and tell us ‘I told you so’. Yet that is so far from the truth. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit want relationship with you. God always welcomes us with open arms as he forgives and wipes away our tears. He has already wiped your slate clean on the cross and doesn’t keep a record of your wrongs. So neither should you! If God can forgive us, we can forgive ourselves too.

Psalm 5:11

'But you’ll welcome us with open arms when we run for cover to you.'

I hope by sharing my story I was able to bless and empower you!